Two Months

It's hard to believe that it's already been two months since my mother passed away.  Some days it feels like she's been gone for years and others it feels like only yesterday.  I have been missing her more and more lately, mostly at night.  I feel very alone most days.  My husband is a wonderful man who would do anything for me, but he can't take the place of the wonderful friend that I have lost.  My mom was one of my best friends.  I talked to her 20 times a day every day for my entire life. And with her passing, other things in my life have changed.  Someone who I used to believe was my best friend, has vanished from my life.  But to be fair, she never really called to speak to me over the last 3 years anyway.  She called only to talk to my mom.  And now with my mom gone, she has no need to call here again.  I miss having someone to call a best friend.  I miss having someone trust me enough to be their best friend.  But this is not about  my complaints of things that are out of my control.  I have my sad days and my not so sad days.  Recently the sad days are eclipsing my not so sad ones though.  I don't have many people that I talk to on a regular basis.  The few people that I do talk to are far away from me.  I miss them very much and wish I could be around them more. 
I miss having my mom to bounce ideas off of when I'm going through a stressful time.  I miss having her around to tell me to calm down when things aggravate me to the point of ranting.  I just wish that I could get past this feeling. 

Called.....

Morning started out no different than the last few days.  A bit of restless sleep, a blaring alarm, and a trek up the stairs to check on mom.  She was resting as well as she could.  Penny spent the night the night before and left to take care of her family early.  She came back and said "Good Morning, Dorie!" She reached down and checked her pulse (it must be the nurse in her) and it was fast.  She turned to talk to my dad, as I continued to fiddle around on my computer looking up pictures of Mark Harmon (for silly reasons....not just because he's a bit of a hunk).  Minutes later, Dad noticed that Mom hadn't taken a breath in a while.  Penny reached down and checked her wrist again and couldn't find a pulse.  Mom had quietly slipped away.  Carried to the Father's Kingdom on the wings of angels.  I have visions of her dancing through the gates, being greeted by her sister, and close friends who've gone before her.  She's meeting her King.  In a way I am almost jealous, but I KNOW I will see her again one day.  Until then, she'll be in my heart and on my mind.  I don't think there will ever be a day that passes where I don't think of her, her smile, her glares.  I can still see her sitting in her chair with the computer on her lap, falling asleep.  Forever she will be my mommy and I will never be without her.

Cocktail Hour

We now have cocktail hour at our house.  But ours doesn't consist of the newest, fashionable drink mixes.  Ours is a combination of drugs and prayer.  We had a really bad evening today.  Mom had some really bad delusions and panic attacks, as well as being very paranoid.  At this point she kind of slips in and out of lucidity.  She thinks she's in the hospital sometimes.  Which does make some sense, because we have a hospital bed for her.  But she also has a hard time trusting us because we've been advised to discontinue some of her medications.  At this point, some of them are just not necessary.  My heart continues to break for both her and my father.  Tonight, my mom felt as though God had left her.  At that point, I didn't know how to calm her fears.  My words weren't enough.  The combination of narcotics does seems to calm her, but we would always welcome continued prayers for her spirit. 

Opportunities

It's unfortunate that sometimes it takes a life altering event to change the way you look at your friends.  I have never been one to ask for help or even take it when it is offered.  I am a stubborn person and have a tendency to feel like I could never possibly need help.  I can do anything on my own.  But with my mom being so sick, I have learned that it's okay to let someone help me.  It's okay to let someone take my child for an afternoon.  Even if all I do is veg out in front of the TV or take a nap.  I am eternally grateful for the wonderful friends I have made at my church.  I thank God each and every day for them and also for their children.  Their children are giving my daughter another kind of family.  Not just the family that she was born into, but the family created through the love of Christ.  She is learning about community and friendship at a very young age.  Something some kids don't get to experience.  She has such a great time with all of her friends. And I love all of them and their mothers (and fathers) like family.
Thank you to all of my amazing friends.  I don't know how I could cope with this time without you!

Conclusions

I have come to the conclusion that suffering comes at the end of life, so we can truly appreciate the glory of God's Kingdom.  It's like going on a really awful vacation.  You know the kind.  You have forgotten half of your supplies at home.  You can't find a good toothbrush in any of the stores.  You lose your luggage.  You get seated next to the most obnoxious person on the plane.  And through all of that, you have the promise of going home.  You know that even if the dishes are still in the sink, even if the floors need to be vacuumed, it's still your home and it's comforting and welcoming.  I think that's what the end is kind of like.  The awful vacation.  And then we get to go home.  We get to be welcomed with open arms and embraced with the love and warmth only our Heavenly Father can give.  Amazed at the beauty of it all, and surrounded by the angels.  It will be the ultimate going home experience.  The most fantastic surprise.  I am glad to know my mother will be there.  She will spend eternity with the King. 

Official

It is official.  Mom has been transferred from home health care/palliative care into hospice care.  A nurse came this afternoon and got her registered for it.  We are receiving a hospital bed for her to be more comfortable.  We know it will be sooner rather than later.  We had so many visitors today.  Our pastor came over (briefly); as well as my dad's brother, Patrick;  Aunt Penny; my Aunt Mary; Uncle Bob & Aunt Sue (Ruehle).  It's been a little like Grand Central here today. But it was nice to see how many people love and care for my mom and her comfort and happiness.  This is another short one because I have been fighting a headache for the last few hours and I think I need to rest soon.  Just waiting for the hospital bed.

Home.

Everything has seemed to be happening so fast lately.  Just a month and a half ago, we were celebrating Aida's 3rd birthday and  my mom was laughing with us.  She went into the hospital on Aida's birthday.  The beginning of the decline. 
Today, she is very tired.  She really isn't hungry, she's still drinking water, but she's still just so tired.  She told me that she doesn't think she can do it anymore.  We've been dealing with waking dreams/hallucinations and it has been really scary.  I don't think it's going to be too much longer before she goes home.  It seems like she's ready.  That's all that I can say right now.  It's just so overwhelming lately.  Hopefully my brain can function a little better later on and I can have more details.
I love you all.