Nostalgia

I was sitting here going through and cyber-stalking people that I used to be friends with in high school.  I started feeling a little sad and reminiscent about "the good ole days".  But then I remembered what the sermon was about on Sunday at church.  Moving forward.  It's one thing to recall the wonderful times you had as a child, teen, young adult, or even just yesterday.  But remember that its all past now.  You can't go back and relive those glory days. 
I occasionally find myself regretting things that I have done in my life; mistakes I have made, choices I faltered with, and situations that I could have handled better.  I often long to go back and fix what was broken.  But I know that I can't.  God's will for me is to continue on down this path.  I know that He will guide me through the decisions I make from here. 
Nostalgia is a good thing most of the time.  I like remembering summer nights spent outside with friends.  I can go back in my head and play back lots of different times in my teen years.  I enjoy them now.  It's like watching a familiar movie, the kind you've seen a hundred times but it's still funny and still can make you cry. 
I remember and look fondly upon those friends who came into my life for that season.  And I move on to the friends who continued down the path with me and the new ones I've met along the way.
All of the new friends that I have met and made have been so completely different from the ones I knew "back when" and I like that I can share those memories with my new friends. And I look forward to making more memories with my husband, daughter, family and friends (both new and old).

Writing

Throughout my life I have always wanted to be a writer.  I have started and never finished many stories/novels.  I have a million ideas running through my head most of the time but nothing I think other people would be interested in.
I would love to be able to write "the great American novel" but that is a goal striven for by too many as it is.  Right now I would just love to write a book that gathers a small following. 
I've been writing short stories for most of my life.  The first one I remember writing was in 3rd grade about a cat and a unicorn that became friends.  It was about one page long and wasn't too shabby for an 8 year old.  
Creative writing was my favorite part of English class all through grade school.  I always waited for the day when the teacher would say "Now write a story about....." and then I could just let my mind wander to another world.  
Most of the time my worlds were thrillers or slightly deranged.  Even now the stories that I write are usually wrapped in mental mystery.  My main characters are almost always going through some kind of mental breakdown or personal trauma.  
Maybe that is because I always feel that I am going through something.  I'm not.  It's just the way my mind tends to work.  I feel things very deeply and can be a bit dramatic at times.
But not everyone wants to read about the seemingly average girl, with a few friends who has debilitating panic attacks and fits of paranoia.  
But until people do, that book will just continue to float around in my head with the other hundred thoughts that I have throughout the day. 

Stronger

As a preteen and teenager I used to write poetry to get my feelings out about a lot of different things.  I had a friend who was into drugs at a young age and got involved with "the wrong crowd".  He went through a lot of troubled times and through it all I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt.  
When we were 13 years old I learned that he was smoking pot on a regular basis.  And by some standards that isn't much of anything but for him it did lead to a "troublemaker" kind of life.  I knew about this and I said nothing.  At 13 I was more concerned about him being mad at me if I said anything to anyone.  A year later he was sent to a rehabilitation ranch in Arizona.
That year I started writing my feelings down.  I became a poet of sorts.  I was not very good.  It was all very typical teen angst kind of stuff, but writing made me feel better about the situation.  I felt like I was responsible for him being sent away because I didn't say anything.  
This poem was written for him.


Stronger
I stood in the distance
And watched you leave
I cried and screamed
I felt so alone
Now I stand
Still in the distance
With the one I love
I still feel alone
But someone is finally there
To help me
Get over the pain
Of losing you
And when you come back
I'll be the same person
That I always was
I'll just be a little bit
Stronger

I still dedicate this poem to that friend.  His struggle helped me realize that I am strong.  Even when I feel weak and don't think that I can go on, I know someone will be there helping me to get through things.
Before I considered that person to be my boyfriend.
Now I know that the one standing with me, my love, is my God.  He will always be there to help guide me through painful and troubling times.  He will never let me go. He is the One that makes me stronger.

A slight intro to me

I am.  These are two of the most powerful words on the planet when paired together.  It can state anything from "I am hungry" to "I am an alcoholic"  to just "I am".  These are the words that Christ uses.  "I am".  

So I will begin my introduction to you with these words.  I am a Christ-follower.  I am a wife.  I am a mother.  I am a child of God.  

I have never been able to articulate well how my relationship with God came to be because for a while I have felt shame.  It wasn't through some sordid past or degraded event.  It was .... everything rolled into one.  

I was raised in a Christian household and went to Catholic school for nine years, though I would never consider myself a Catholic.  My parents were good to me and always fair.  So why did I hate my life?  Why did I hate who I was as a person? 
I always felt like (and still sometimes do) a complete disappointment to my family and those around me.  I have never been satisfied with anything I do.  I always felt like I should be doing more to help people.  I didn't like the thought of someone not being proud of me.  I wanted to be the center of attention.

As a kid in grade school, I wasn't the most popular and sometimes it bothered me.  I felt like the kids were making fun of me and talking about me behind my back.  In junior high, I still wasn't popular and it bothered me more.  I had a friend who got in trouble and that was the beginning of what I consider a downward spiral for me. 

In high school, I cared less about being popular and faded into the background.  I became a drama geek and enjoyed performing in the school productions.  I had my first serious boyfriend at 14 and that lasted till we were 17. 

After high school, I attempted college for about a month, chickened out and came home.  Where I promptly got involved with another guy.  We dated all of about 2 months (maybe).  

Shortly after, I met the man who would become my husband.  

This is an introduction to me.

I am a woman, a friend, a wife, a mother.  I am me.