Stronger

As a preteen and teenager I used to write poetry to get my feelings out about a lot of different things.  I had a friend who was into drugs at a young age and got involved with "the wrong crowd".  He went through a lot of troubled times and through it all I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt.  
When we were 13 years old I learned that he was smoking pot on a regular basis.  And by some standards that isn't much of anything but for him it did lead to a "troublemaker" kind of life.  I knew about this and I said nothing.  At 13 I was more concerned about him being mad at me if I said anything to anyone.  A year later he was sent to a rehabilitation ranch in Arizona.
That year I started writing my feelings down.  I became a poet of sorts.  I was not very good.  It was all very typical teen angst kind of stuff, but writing made me feel better about the situation.  I felt like I was responsible for him being sent away because I didn't say anything.  
This poem was written for him.


Stronger
I stood in the distance
And watched you leave
I cried and screamed
I felt so alone
Now I stand
Still in the distance
With the one I love
I still feel alone
But someone is finally there
To help me
Get over the pain
Of losing you
And when you come back
I'll be the same person
That I always was
I'll just be a little bit
Stronger

I still dedicate this poem to that friend.  His struggle helped me realize that I am strong.  Even when I feel weak and don't think that I can go on, I know someone will be there helping me to get through things.
Before I considered that person to be my boyfriend.
Now I know that the one standing with me, my love, is my God.  He will always be there to help guide me through painful and troubling times.  He will never let me go. He is the One that makes me stronger.

A slight intro to me

I am.  These are two of the most powerful words on the planet when paired together.  It can state anything from "I am hungry" to "I am an alcoholic"  to just "I am".  These are the words that Christ uses.  "I am".  

So I will begin my introduction to you with these words.  I am a Christ-follower.  I am a wife.  I am a mother.  I am a child of God.  

I have never been able to articulate well how my relationship with God came to be because for a while I have felt shame.  It wasn't through some sordid past or degraded event.  It was .... everything rolled into one.  

I was raised in a Christian household and went to Catholic school for nine years, though I would never consider myself a Catholic.  My parents were good to me and always fair.  So why did I hate my life?  Why did I hate who I was as a person? 
I always felt like (and still sometimes do) a complete disappointment to my family and those around me.  I have never been satisfied with anything I do.  I always felt like I should be doing more to help people.  I didn't like the thought of someone not being proud of me.  I wanted to be the center of attention.

As a kid in grade school, I wasn't the most popular and sometimes it bothered me.  I felt like the kids were making fun of me and talking about me behind my back.  In junior high, I still wasn't popular and it bothered me more.  I had a friend who got in trouble and that was the beginning of what I consider a downward spiral for me. 

In high school, I cared less about being popular and faded into the background.  I became a drama geek and enjoyed performing in the school productions.  I had my first serious boyfriend at 14 and that lasted till we were 17. 

After high school, I attempted college for about a month, chickened out and came home.  Where I promptly got involved with another guy.  We dated all of about 2 months (maybe).  

Shortly after, I met the man who would become my husband.  

This is an introduction to me.

I am a woman, a friend, a wife, a mother.  I am me.