Two Months

It's hard to believe that it's already been two months since my mother passed away.  Some days it feels like she's been gone for years and others it feels like only yesterday.  I have been missing her more and more lately, mostly at night.  I feel very alone most days.  My husband is a wonderful man who would do anything for me, but he can't take the place of the wonderful friend that I have lost.  My mom was one of my best friends.  I talked to her 20 times a day every day for my entire life. And with her passing, other things in my life have changed.  Someone who I used to believe was my best friend, has vanished from my life.  But to be fair, she never really called to speak to me over the last 3 years anyway.  She called only to talk to my mom.  And now with my mom gone, she has no need to call here again.  I miss having someone to call a best friend.  I miss having someone trust me enough to be their best friend.  But this is not about  my complaints of things that are out of my control.  I have my sad days and my not so sad days.  Recently the sad days are eclipsing my not so sad ones though.  I don't have many people that I talk to on a regular basis.  The few people that I do talk to are far away from me.  I miss them very much and wish I could be around them more. 
I miss having my mom to bounce ideas off of when I'm going through a stressful time.  I miss having her around to tell me to calm down when things aggravate me to the point of ranting.  I just wish that I could get past this feeling. 

Called.....

Morning started out no different than the last few days.  A bit of restless sleep, a blaring alarm, and a trek up the stairs to check on mom.  She was resting as well as she could.  Penny spent the night the night before and left to take care of her family early.  She came back and said "Good Morning, Dorie!" She reached down and checked her pulse (it must be the nurse in her) and it was fast.  She turned to talk to my dad, as I continued to fiddle around on my computer looking up pictures of Mark Harmon (for silly reasons....not just because he's a bit of a hunk).  Minutes later, Dad noticed that Mom hadn't taken a breath in a while.  Penny reached down and checked her wrist again and couldn't find a pulse.  Mom had quietly slipped away.  Carried to the Father's Kingdom on the wings of angels.  I have visions of her dancing through the gates, being greeted by her sister, and close friends who've gone before her.  She's meeting her King.  In a way I am almost jealous, but I KNOW I will see her again one day.  Until then, she'll be in my heart and on my mind.  I don't think there will ever be a day that passes where I don't think of her, her smile, her glares.  I can still see her sitting in her chair with the computer on her lap, falling asleep.  Forever she will be my mommy and I will never be without her.

Cocktail Hour

We now have cocktail hour at our house.  But ours doesn't consist of the newest, fashionable drink mixes.  Ours is a combination of drugs and prayer.  We had a really bad evening today.  Mom had some really bad delusions and panic attacks, as well as being very paranoid.  At this point she kind of slips in and out of lucidity.  She thinks she's in the hospital sometimes.  Which does make some sense, because we have a hospital bed for her.  But she also has a hard time trusting us because we've been advised to discontinue some of her medications.  At this point, some of them are just not necessary.  My heart continues to break for both her and my father.  Tonight, my mom felt as though God had left her.  At that point, I didn't know how to calm her fears.  My words weren't enough.  The combination of narcotics does seems to calm her, but we would always welcome continued prayers for her spirit. 

Opportunities

It's unfortunate that sometimes it takes a life altering event to change the way you look at your friends.  I have never been one to ask for help or even take it when it is offered.  I am a stubborn person and have a tendency to feel like I could never possibly need help.  I can do anything on my own.  But with my mom being so sick, I have learned that it's okay to let someone help me.  It's okay to let someone take my child for an afternoon.  Even if all I do is veg out in front of the TV or take a nap.  I am eternally grateful for the wonderful friends I have made at my church.  I thank God each and every day for them and also for their children.  Their children are giving my daughter another kind of family.  Not just the family that she was born into, but the family created through the love of Christ.  She is learning about community and friendship at a very young age.  Something some kids don't get to experience.  She has such a great time with all of her friends. And I love all of them and their mothers (and fathers) like family.
Thank you to all of my amazing friends.  I don't know how I could cope with this time without you!

Conclusions

I have come to the conclusion that suffering comes at the end of life, so we can truly appreciate the glory of God's Kingdom.  It's like going on a really awful vacation.  You know the kind.  You have forgotten half of your supplies at home.  You can't find a good toothbrush in any of the stores.  You lose your luggage.  You get seated next to the most obnoxious person on the plane.  And through all of that, you have the promise of going home.  You know that even if the dishes are still in the sink, even if the floors need to be vacuumed, it's still your home and it's comforting and welcoming.  I think that's what the end is kind of like.  The awful vacation.  And then we get to go home.  We get to be welcomed with open arms and embraced with the love and warmth only our Heavenly Father can give.  Amazed at the beauty of it all, and surrounded by the angels.  It will be the ultimate going home experience.  The most fantastic surprise.  I am glad to know my mother will be there.  She will spend eternity with the King. 

Official

It is official.  Mom has been transferred from home health care/palliative care into hospice care.  A nurse came this afternoon and got her registered for it.  We are receiving a hospital bed for her to be more comfortable.  We know it will be sooner rather than later.  We had so many visitors today.  Our pastor came over (briefly); as well as my dad's brother, Patrick;  Aunt Penny; my Aunt Mary; Uncle Bob & Aunt Sue (Ruehle).  It's been a little like Grand Central here today. But it was nice to see how many people love and care for my mom and her comfort and happiness.  This is another short one because I have been fighting a headache for the last few hours and I think I need to rest soon.  Just waiting for the hospital bed.

Home.

Everything has seemed to be happening so fast lately.  Just a month and a half ago, we were celebrating Aida's 3rd birthday and  my mom was laughing with us.  She went into the hospital on Aida's birthday.  The beginning of the decline. 
Today, she is very tired.  She really isn't hungry, she's still drinking water, but she's still just so tired.  She told me that she doesn't think she can do it anymore.  We've been dealing with waking dreams/hallucinations and it has been really scary.  I don't think it's going to be too much longer before she goes home.  It seems like she's ready.  That's all that I can say right now.  It's just so overwhelming lately.  Hopefully my brain can function a little better later on and I can have more details.
I love you all.

My Mother's Daughter

There are few things in my life of which I can be absolutely sure.  I am sure that the earth revolves around the sun (and not me).  I am sure that the moon is still in our solar system.  I am sure that God loves all his children, even the ones that screw up.  I am also 100% certain that I am my mother's daughter.  I know it is obvious that I am hers because she gave birth to me.  But she has done so much more for me than that.  She has been such a rock throughout my entire life.  She's the one that I have always turned to when I didn't know what to do.  She's been there with me through tens of dozens of panic attacks about various things.  She has taught me how to love my enemy.  She has been the one who has shown me that anger solves nothing.  She has also supported every decision I have made.  I have a hard time thinking about what I am going to do when she goes home.  But I take solace in the fact that when she does leave this earth, I will see her again in our Father's Kingdom.  I am my mother's daughter.  There is no doubt in my mind about it. 

The Dreaded "H" Word

Today was not a good day.  Mom has been quite sleepy, confused and short of breath for the last 2 days.  Today, Penny, my aunt, came over for a visit.  Thank God that she did because she was such a help making phone calls, tracking down information about getting a mask for my mom's oxygen machine.  Calling the doctor to find out what we should be doing regarding meds.  I don't know what I would do without her.  Well, when she finally had spoken to a doctor, she was told that mom's oncologist will be contacting me in order to discuss the dreaded "H" word.  Hospice.  I am not looking forward to that conversation. 
Tonight, I talked with my mom.   A lot more than I have in the last couple of days.  I asked her if she thought it was time for her to go Home.  She said not yet, but probably soon.  She said she wasn't scared.  But then she said, she was scared just a little bit.  She just doesn't want to leave us.  She doesn't want to miss out on the little things like Christmas.  She will always be with me.  I will never go a single day for the rest of my life without thinking about her.  But she's still here, and we are loving every second of it.  She promised to tell me if she thought it was time.  Until then, I am going to sit back and soak up some of the good moments as they come.

Mommy

So lately I have been wanting to write down an update for all my friends on how my mom has been.
I wish I had some good news.  But unfortunately, things aren't going so well.   We have a palliative care nurse who comes to visit the house and has adjusted mom's medications.  She is only on 2 kinds of pain meds now instead of 3-4.  However, she had chemotherapy on Tuesday and I think we are still the side effect days of the chemo.  She has been incredibly weak, exhausted and just overall out of it.  She's done not much more than sleep for the last 2 and a half days.  I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.
During her check-up at her chemo appointment on Tuesday, the oncologist thought it sounded like my mom had fluid building in her left lung and sent her for a chest x-ray following therapy.  Later on Tuesday evening, I received a call from the oncologist with the results from the x-ray.  She said that the report showed that while there wasn't any more fluid in her lungs, there was an increase in both size and number of the tumors in my mom's lungs.  There is still a chance that the second round (which she received on Tuesday) will still have an effect on the cancer.  We have an appointment set up for a full CT for my mom in 2 weeks.  We will be finding the results out from that scan at my mom's next chemo appointment.  Please keep my family in your prayers as well trudge through this time.
In the meantime, I am trying to go through things with my dad, such as bills and what not, to try to decipher my mom's system.  Hopefully we can figure things out. 

Mothers and Daughters

I am now the mother of a 3 year old.  An amazingly caring, intelligent 3 year old.  She tests my patience.  She challenges everything I say.  She throws fits and embarrasses me in public sometimes.  She misbehaves and acts out.  And at the end of the day, I wouldn't trade it in for anything else in this world.
The reason I can think this way and appreciate all the little things my child has taught me (and will continue to teach me) is because I have been blessed with such an awe-inspiring mom.  I want so much to be like her.  She has been a source of support, laughter, inspiration and love throughout my entire life. 
Unfortunately, in September 2011, my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer.  When they found it, the tumor was fairly large (I don't remember how big exactly).  It was decided that she would under-go chemotherapy every day, as well as radiation.  As a practice, they did an MRI of her brain to make sure there were no tumors.  There was one.  It was only a centimeter, but it was there.  My mom now had metastatic lung cancer.  This changed the treatment plan.  They would do Cyber-knife radiation "surgery" to the spot in her brain and give chemo treatments once every 3 weeks.  We continued with that treatment plan until March of this year.  My mom started coughing a lot more and was having pain.  They did more scans and found that radiation was the next best treatment for the tumor in her lung.  She had radiation 5x a week for 5 weeks.  After that, our family took a trip to Florida.  That's when the pain started to get worse.  Chemotherapy, which had been postponed during the radiation treatments, started again.  They continued to do scan after scan revealing nothing major, a few spots near her spine, which were treated first with general radiation and then with Cyber-knife radiation.  In all, she had 40 radiation treatments.  Through it all, we've continued to laugh.  In May, she was hospitalized for severe dehydration.  She was in the hospital, where they did even more scans (revealing nothing new), for 3 1/2 days.  She came home from the hospital and kept going to chemo treatments.  A week and a half ago, she was hospitalized again.  This time for such severe pain, she couldn't move or breathe.  She was put on pain medications and put through even more testing.  Something felt different this time.  I cried.  This was my mommy and I wasn't ready to start having to deal with this.  I talked to my cousin, whose mother also passed away less than 2 years ago from the same disease.  The same night, my cousin drove down.  We found out, on my mother's second day in the hospital, that there had been a significant change in the cancer since she was last at the hospital in May.  There were 40-50 nodules now in the chest.  The doctors spoke to us about DNR and hospice.  My mom was discharged from the hospital the day after we were told of the progression.  She is now on oxygen and continuing with pain medication. There is a nurse that comes to our house 2 times a week to check her vitals, O2 sats, and check on her pain levels.  We've got information on both palliative care and hospice.  The oncologist has informed us that the cancer has also started to invade the bone.  Next Monday, she will be starting a new course of chemotherapy, that has a chance of shrinking the nodules in her lungs and possibly making a difference in the bone as well. 
And you might think that you would walk into this house and expect to find very solemn people.  People who could cry at the drop of a hat.  But you would be so wrong. 
My mother taught me to enjoy the little things in life.  To embrace my morbid sense of humor.  She never stifled my ability to find the funny even in the darkest times.  If I laughed at a funeral, she would only ask me to make it less obvious and then find out what was so funny.  I have gained from her the ability to see humor in nearly any situation.  We joked today about marionette strings.  I can't tell you anymore than that because I'm still contemplating where they will come into play.  She has her roller coaster moments.  We have our weepy times, which are usually followed by moments of uproarious laughter.  I told her today that I was going to miss her. (please understand that the end isn't around the corner)  We cried.  And I told her that it was GOOD that I was going to miss her.  I wouldn't want to be someone that wouldn't miss their mom.  I told her that she could be 90 and I would still miss her.  She's my mom.  She the only one I have and I couldn't have dreamed up a better one.  I love her and hope someday that my daughter will feel this way about me.

Intolerance

In light of the whole Chick-fil-a fiasco that has commenced throughout the internet, I began a search for intolerance of Christians.  And I came across a few articles that really resonated with me.  The first of which explains that WE, as Christians, are considered intolerant.  And if held to today's standards, Jesus would also be considered intolerant.  In fact, He would be the MOST intolerant person.  Here is the article:
http://www.godandscience.org/apologetics/intolerance.html
After that I continued on and read another article, which explains that if we didn't expect people to be intolerant of us, we should probably re-examine our faith in Christ.  He told us that we would be discriminated against.  That article can be found here:
http://www.christianpost.com/news/growing-intolerance-for-christianity-in-us-49588/
So I guess the hippie in me will never be satisfied.  People will always hate me for my faith in the Lord.  I have to get used to it and learn to love them anyway.  Because that is what Christ did.  He hated the sins that people committed, He confronted those who sinned and told them to turn away from it.  But at the same time, He continued to have a deep love for them.  He never stopped loving them.  He will never stop loving them.  He has such love for us that He paid for our sins with his life.  I am truly amazed at the all encompassing love from my Savior, Jesus Christ. 
Thank you, Father.  Thank you for teaching me.  Thank you for continuing to teach me.  Thank you for your patience when I falter.  Thank you for my faith in you.  Thank you.

This is not of popular opinion

ac·cept·ance
[ak-sep-tuhns] Show IPA
noun
1.
the act of taking or receiving something offered.
2.
favorable reception; approval; favor.
3.
the act of assenting or believing: acceptance of a theory.
4.
the fact or state of being accepted or acceptable.


tol·er·ance
[tol-er-uhns] Show IPA
noun
1.
a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc., differ from one's own; freedom from bigotry.
2.
a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward opinions and practices that differ from one's own.
3.
interest in and concern for ideas, opinions, practices, etc., foreign to one's own; a liberal, undogmatic viewpoint.
4.
the act or capacity of enduring; endurance: My tolerance of noise is limited.

In an age where having an opinion that is different from the majority is frowned upon, we've begun to use these two terms in place of each other.
I don't have to accept your reality to tolerate it. As a person, it is my duty to be kind to you, no matter what your creed, gender, orientation, etc. I will not judge you based soley on one aspect of your life. You are a person and many things add up to make you who you are. Just as I am made up of many different characteristics. Please don't focus on the fact that there are a few bad apples out there. Christ says, "Love your neighbor as you love yourself", "Treat others as you WANT to be treated." So why do you insist on treating people in the exact fashion they have treated you? Why must we repeat this cycle until there is nothing left but what separates us? Why can't we focus on the positive things in our lives that brought us together in the first place? What I have seen, more times than I can count, is that people get caught up in one aspect of life and forget about everything else. Their whole identity becomes being a crusader for this ONE thing. It is good to be passionate about what you truly believe, but don't call people haters for doing the same thing, just because their belief is different than yours.

The Proper Response is You're Welcome

It all started with a trip to CVS about 4 years ago.  I was checking out and the little girl behind the register barely even looked at me.  I waited patiently for her to tell me my total.  She just stared.  I swiped my card and she handed me my receipt.  She said nothing. I said "Thank you" to the young woman, to which she responded by ringing up the next customer.  "The proper response is 'You're Welcome'"
I said that to her and my crusade and annoyance began. 
I hate bad manners.  I don't understand why it is so difficult for people to say please, thank you and  you're welcome.  If I go out of my way to thank someone, I feel that they should respond as well.  Not with "uh-huh" or "no problem" (as if it was a problem to begin with), but the proper "You're welcome". 
Flash Forward to this year at the USSteel safety day. My 2 year old is playing in a bounce house.  She is still learning what is acceptable behavior with new children.  She loves older girls and wants to be their friend.  She is bouncing around and wants to talk to a young girl of about 6 or 7 years old.  My daughter grabbed the other girl's shirt.  The little girl "Ma'am (she called me ma'am so I was beginning to be impressed), you NEED to tell your daughter not to touch other people's shirts"  Now, I understand that what my child did is on the verge of being considered rude.  She violated someone's personal space (and was talked to about this as well).  But again, she is only 2 and is still learning.  This other child was 3 times my daughter's age and in my opinion should have known to not only address me as ma'am but also to make a request and not a demand.  I said to her "Can you ask me nicely? Can you say please?"  To which she did.  I then found myself wondering what her mother would have said if she had heard me.  I would hope that I wouldn't have had to say anything to the child.  I would hope that her mother (or father depending on the situation) would have stepped in first and corrected this behavior.  I know that we are examples for our children. This is an age where the next generation is one of instant gratification and entitlement. I too often, in my former employment especially, have seen children with little to no manners not being taught by the adults they are with.   I have seen moms and dads with their kids be rude to those in the service industry (waiters, cashiers, etc).  I can't stand it.  I get frustrated with teenagers who show no respect for their elders but also remember what it was like to be 16 and 17 years old and think that I was the baddest person around.  But I still knew that my parents wanted me to be respectful.  So maybe the blame lies with our generation.  We are the ones who are supposed to be setting the example for the future leaders.  I just want to be a good example,  Not only for my daughter, but to others around me.  So the next time someone takes the time to say "Thank you", try for the 'proper response'.